And make sure Tom gets to say, “and would you take off that stupid hat!”
Dear Mr. Spielberg:
Don’t you think it would be really fun to make an Indiana Jones movie and finally get Tom Selleck involved? Now I’m not saying to replace Harrison Ford as Indiana Jones, after all, he made that role iconic; he is Indiana Jones. No, what I’m thinking is you bring in Tom Selleck as a co-hero. After all, he was offered the Indiana Jones role originally, it just seems sorta fair.
Just picture this: Papa Jones, played by the inimitable Sean Connery, was somewhat of a player in his day. (And who wouldn’t be with the number 007 tattooed on your forehead?) As we all know, he loved Mrs. Jones, but more to the point here, he loves women in general. His view of women has always been that they are,” the most charming of creatures”. This view, of course, got him many women, but it also got him many troubles. One of those troubles being another son from a prior love affair – a tall, dark, handsome son with a slightly odd giggle, and a penchant for the Detroit Tigers (or whoever they were in the 1930s). And what do you know, he’s an archaeologist too! Must be genetic. Let’s call this son Tom Jones! Okay, pussycat?
The relationship between the three Jones men is, of course, slightly strained due to the fact that one is a bastard, one is a brat, and one is a rogue who can’t keep his pants on. (We let the audience figure out which is which.) But after all, this is America and family is family, no matter how dysfunctional! This mélange a trois does function, albeit only in low gear and with a backfire here and there. Let’s just say male bonding rituals like fishing trips and barbecues are quite rare. They usually only meet at archaeology conventions, where everyone gets drunk and dances with the bones of ancient Babylonian prostitutes, or they bump into each other at symposiums on which ancient culture invented beer. Hey, I know that one, it was Egypt! But I digress; let me get back to the point. That point being the semi-functional relationship between the three Jones men. Hey, it is what it is and it makes for good tension in a movie.
Now, the (dare I say it?) illegitimate son, Tom Jones, is the chief archaeological curator for a highly prestigious museum. His demeanor is serious; he is conservative, but elegant, and very proper. Also, he takes after his dad and Papa Jones is a little pompous. OK, Tom’s kind of a doofus but a really hot looking one! He’s also a little disdainful. Particularly towards Indiana, whom he regards as an adventurer, as opposed to an archaeologist. He doesn’t think that Indiana is a legitimate archaeologist – get the ironic wordplay here? Our Tom has issues. But he’s still hot looking, and that’s what counts in the movies. Ah, those Jones boys, good-looking to a fault.
Indiana doesn’t think about his brother much, but when he does he thinks he’s kind of a dweeb. In fact, behind Tom’s back Indy calls him the Obsessive Professor or O.P. (Opie) for short. (And now we can get Ron Howard to direct! Mea culpa, my bad, only if you choose not to direct, Mr. Spielberg!) However Indy strives to maintain a cordial relationship with his half-brother when necessary. About the only thing these two brothers have in common is a love for ancient artifacts, which includes their father. So when Papa Jones comes up missing along with three of his priceless Mayan artifacts, Indiana and Tom a.k.a. Opie, reluctantly team up to rescue their father. And here is where our story begins, because you can’t have a movie without a story. Can you?
The story revolves around Papa Jones’ disappearance, the three missing Mayan artifacts and the curse attached to them. An ancient Mayan prophecy foretells that the end of the world will occur if the Mayan Spirit Kisin, an evil earthquake spirit, the Goddess Ix Chel, goddess of the moon, and the God Kukucan, the god of wind, are brought together in the Mayan underworld of Mitnal during a blue moon. It’s sort of a Mayan Apocalypse theory. Yes, I made this curse up, it’s not real – it’s a story, remember? And, by the by, a blue moon is the second full moon in a calendar month. And the Mayan guys and underworld are authentic too. One can only suspend so much belief! Oh, and we might want to call Kisin, Ix Chel, and Kukucan something else like Larry, Moe and Curly because those Mayan names are hard to pronounce, even my speech recognition program is having problems with them. I think we can leave Mitnal, it has a nice yiddish sound to it, adds a real revelation style flavor.
Of course, we have the standard issue evil doer, bad guy. You know, the requisite wacko, fanatical megalomaniac, who thinks humanity sucks and needs to be wiped out. (I think we should get Andy Griffith to play the bad guy, you know, keep up with the Mayberry thing. Or maybe the latest rapper would be better?) Anyhow, the bad guy learns about the curse, discovers that Papa Jones possesses the cursed artifacts from the prophecy, plans for the next blue moon, steals the artifacts, kidnaps Jones and makes tracks for Mitnal, post haste.
OK, it’s convoluted, but no more so than most film plots today. And Tom Selleck will look hot all steamed up and sweating in a Mayan jungle. Not to mention what the wet look will do for Harrison Ford. Those sweaty hunks should pull in a big chunk of the female baby boomer demographic. And speaking of demographics; Sean Connery will bring in the senior citizens, we add a couple of Girls Gone Wild hotties for the prepubescent, post pubescent, adolescent, and not-so-adolescent-but-still-acting-like-it male demographic, and maybe a cute dog or bunny for the family demographic. And I suppose we’d better add a cute young guy for the teeny bopper girls, he can be Tom’s assistant at the museum. Get relative unknowns and we can pay them scale.
Now I know you’re a big-budget kind of guy, but I think we could save a few shekels by using some of the rides at Disneyland. Don’t you think a great place to film Mitnal, the underground hell, would be in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride? And with all the autotronic figures, we could save a few bucks on extras. Think about it, there’s a French quarter at Disneyland, a big mountain at Disneyland, an island at Disneyland, crocodiles, elephants, all manner of interesting props and locations! You can shoot the whole movie there and be a 15 minute helicopter ride from home. And with all the food stands, the catering budget would probably be slashed in half! Of course we’d probably have to find a cameo role for that dumb mouse. We could make him the assistant to Tom’s assistant at the museum; he could be a gopher mouse!
Hey, think about it. It’s your movie after all. Oh, and just one more thing, somewhere, it doesn’t really matter where, have Tom say to Indiana, “and would you take off that stupid hat!”
Well, I’ve said my piece. I gave you my five cents worth, which in today’s market is about $15.98, give or take a peso or two. And if you decide to go with the concept all I ask in payment is a month with Harrison Ford as my chauffeur and Tom Selleck as my pool boy. And before you ask, no, I do not have pool.
You’re devoted fan,
PopArtDiva, the artist formerly known as Terri